Lessons learnt from a distant past
A few days ago, i stumbled upon a really, really old diary. it's about five years old. you know how when you read something written by you after a long period of time, you alternately cover your head in shame or laugh your ass off at the seeming immaturity of it all or even shake your head in wonder, thinking, i wrote that?! amazing...
well, when i re-read everything, i wanted to cover my head AND hide forever in shame. hehe. but alas, a lot of time has passed since then and there's really no use in regretting. but i've realized two things:
1. you cannot hold a grudge forever pala
2. no matter how much you profess to be smart and aware of of a particular thing/situation, you may still actually act really dumb when faced with that certain thing/situation.
-==-
i got to realization number 1 while reading this old diary because i mentioned the name of person who i had a really major fight with. it wasn't even a major sentence about him, just in passing.
ok fine, i might as well admit it, we kinda went out and it didn't go so well because he was a liar and an a-hole and basically just broke all his promises. (i know, i said no holding grudges forever, but i'm stating this part objectively. hehe). well, as i read his name in that diary, i realized that it has been almost 9 years since that particular episode in my young life. 9 years!! what the heck was i still holding this grudge for? in fact, i don't even think my grudge against him still exists... i certainly don't feel hatred now when his name is mentioned. just plain indifference. nothing. nada. i couldn't care less. of course, i get a little miffed when my cousins tease me because i remember MY stupidity but that's about it. when i think back now, all i remember feeling is embarrassment for such stupid behaviour. but i didn't know better, he didn't know any better (gee, i hope to God he has learnt by now) and i was just being a rebellious kid.
grudges don't last forever. at least, i believe they shouldn't. can you imagine carrying all that baggage well into your life and then realizing that you don't even remember why you had that grudge in the first place? or that when you look back at it, it doesn't even do much damage to your emotions? well, i guess this indifference just means i have accepted that part of my life and that i've forgiven... i guess it just means that i've moved on from it now (i should have, nine freaking years dammit!). i guess it means that i have truly learnt my lesson.
so now, when someone mentions his name... it's nothing. i know just usually wonder if he has grown up yet. but besides that, like i said, it's all indifference.
no more grudges. :)
-==-
2nd realization on the other hand, was brought on by reading about this guy (gawd, a guy again!! haha!). apparently, i was so tickled by this particular guy's attention that i felt like i had to write everything in detail.
well damn, now i wish i didn't!! it made me realize that i was soo dumb!! so freakingly, amazingly dumb. and i remember that i used to think that i was immune already to guys being such assholes to me because of what happened with the first guy. well, goodness me!! apparently, at this time, i was so blinded. gawd, i actually defended this other guy because i really believed that he was different. but when i read it, i actually saw it coming. saw it coming from a mile away.
made me wonder then, why didn't i see it then??
haaay... see what infatuation, crushes and kilig can do to you?
but damn man, i couldn't believe how stupid i was. i swear, he must have been so smug that whole time. i can't believe it.
man, if i may be so bold.. i think i was used! blech. and i cried over this guy?! haaayy.. soo not worth all those hours i used to agonize over it.
but... in relation to realization number 1, must move on. cannot hold a grudge forever after all.
can i just say tho, i'm really kicking myself over this particular thing. just for now, i'll be over it soon. hehe. was a long time ago na din naman. and as i said earlier, it's useless to regret.
-==-
well, at least i learnt something from them huh?
:D
A few days ago, i stumbled upon a really, really old diary. it's about five years old. you know how when you read something written by you after a long period of time, you alternately cover your head in shame or laugh your ass off at the seeming immaturity of it all or even shake your head in wonder, thinking, i wrote that?! amazing...
well, when i re-read everything, i wanted to cover my head AND hide forever in shame. hehe. but alas, a lot of time has passed since then and there's really no use in regretting. but i've realized two things:
1. you cannot hold a grudge forever pala
2. no matter how much you profess to be smart and aware of of a particular thing/situation, you may still actually act really dumb when faced with that certain thing/situation.
-==-
i got to realization number 1 while reading this old diary because i mentioned the name of person who i had a really major fight with. it wasn't even a major sentence about him, just in passing.
ok fine, i might as well admit it, we kinda went out and it didn't go so well because he was a liar and an a-hole and basically just broke all his promises. (i know, i said no holding grudges forever, but i'm stating this part objectively. hehe). well, as i read his name in that diary, i realized that it has been almost 9 years since that particular episode in my young life. 9 years!! what the heck was i still holding this grudge for? in fact, i don't even think my grudge against him still exists... i certainly don't feel hatred now when his name is mentioned. just plain indifference. nothing. nada. i couldn't care less. of course, i get a little miffed when my cousins tease me because i remember MY stupidity but that's about it. when i think back now, all i remember feeling is embarrassment for such stupid behaviour. but i didn't know better, he didn't know any better (gee, i hope to God he has learnt by now) and i was just being a rebellious kid.
grudges don't last forever. at least, i believe they shouldn't. can you imagine carrying all that baggage well into your life and then realizing that you don't even remember why you had that grudge in the first place? or that when you look back at it, it doesn't even do much damage to your emotions? well, i guess this indifference just means i have accepted that part of my life and that i've forgiven... i guess it just means that i've moved on from it now (i should have, nine freaking years dammit!). i guess it means that i have truly learnt my lesson.
so now, when someone mentions his name... it's nothing. i know just usually wonder if he has grown up yet. but besides that, like i said, it's all indifference.
no more grudges. :)
-==-
2nd realization on the other hand, was brought on by reading about this guy (gawd, a guy again!! haha!). apparently, i was so tickled by this particular guy's attention that i felt like i had to write everything in detail.
well damn, now i wish i didn't!! it made me realize that i was soo dumb!! so freakingly, amazingly dumb. and i remember that i used to think that i was immune already to guys being such assholes to me because of what happened with the first guy. well, goodness me!! apparently, at this time, i was so blinded. gawd, i actually defended this other guy because i really believed that he was different. but when i read it, i actually saw it coming. saw it coming from a mile away.
made me wonder then, why didn't i see it then??
haaay... see what infatuation, crushes and kilig can do to you?
but damn man, i couldn't believe how stupid i was. i swear, he must have been so smug that whole time. i can't believe it.
man, if i may be so bold.. i think i was used! blech. and i cried over this guy?! haaayy.. soo not worth all those hours i used to agonize over it.
but... in relation to realization number 1, must move on. cannot hold a grudge forever after all.
can i just say tho, i'm really kicking myself over this particular thing. just for now, i'll be over it soon. hehe. was a long time ago na din naman. and as i said earlier, it's useless to regret.
-==-
well, at least i learnt something from them huh?
:D
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