my First blog

i am home. finally feels like i am. i feel live i've been given a renewed sense of life, of purpose. naks, ang lalim. in sum, i just feel refreshed and recharged, ready to take on everything again. the past week has been one of the most trying of my life. i was in constant doubt, constant troubled state of mind. i was a haven for conflicting thoughts and emotions. now i'm back and everything's much clearer now... back to the places where they are supposed to be. or at least, things are in a better place now. "we" have been given our second lease on "life". we know better, understand each other better. i guess you can say we're friends again. :) lovin' it right now. but definitely taking it slow.

There's nothing like being at home and seeing people who have known you for absolutely forever. The sad thing about that is - since they've known you forever, they also know practically everything about your life. That's what they get for being my parents' close friends. To say that they are all concerned and offering little pieces of advise is obvious. Yup, horror of horrors.. they know. which means when i get out of here with a clear mind and heart, i'll have to update my mother, who then will update them. soo sorry. but i kind of expected it. it just sucks to see it actually happening. but hey, gotta suck it up. and it's actually nice how they're all pretty concerned. they have good hopes for us, you know. :) -==- another good thing bout being home is... well, just that. because it's home. :) everything looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. all familiar. even the weather is familiar. and it's fun being with my family. i'm so glad i ...

it has finally happened. i have actually bumped my car. after years of driving and being proud of a somewhat clear record, i have actually bumped my car. onto a pole. as i was backing out. honestly though, i really didn't see that pole. i didn't even notice it when i drove into the parking space. i have no idea how i could have done that, yet i did. aaarrggghhh!! gah! it's so annoying. :p now the car looks fucking ugly with that dent in front that my tito got when the car in front of us suddenly stopped and we didn't stop in time and it's matching dent at the back courtesy of me. it's begging to be retired. :p man oh man. -==- am at the singapore airlines lounge, waiting for my flight to be called. i can't wait because i can't wait to settle in my seat and sleep. didn't really get much sleep last night because dear baby decided to bring me to the airport and we spent most of the night talking about things. man... my eyes are ready to drop. can't ...

everyone around me is in varying degrees of stress/panic as they try to reach deadlines in time for a holiday. i am at a loss as to how i'm supposed to place myself in this chaos because i really, truthfully, have not much to do. i'm at my own waiting game - i'm sure my things will run soon. but right now, i am just stuck, in front of my pc, trying to look busier than i really am because i feel guilty that i'm not doing much. maybe i should get out for a while? :p it's a thought.

I had two and a half hours of sleep, my eyes are half-open and i'd gladly live behind my sunglasses today because everything looks too bright. but despite that, i feel better because: we talked the way we always used to talk. you were back to how i once knew you. things were said and we dealt with them calmly. you know and understand my side, i know and i understand yours. time away will do me good, i'll probably come back with a better compromise. :) in the meantime, don't forget my "last will and testament" :D

am about to re-charge. thank goodness for homes. :p

suffice it to say that i am confused. lost. so many confusing thoughts. so many things. me, me, me. i will think though.

what once was is no more? is it really?

I am a selfish little bitch.

What more do you want to throw at me then? To say that I got a bunch of curveballs and punches to roll with from life during the weekend is an understatement. A lot of things changed over the course of three days. To one, I say thanks for understanding me. Well, at least, for trying to understand me. To the other, I say thanks for sharing with us. Am proud of how well you're handling it, considering the way the parental units are handling it. We're here for you, whenever you'll need us. You mentioned about being given angels to help you through the day in your blog... but God has just given you the greatest angel you'll ever have in your life. I know you'll do well. Kaw pa?! hehe. :) -==- Change is the only constant thing in life. Gotta remember that one when things like this happen.

JIS yearbooks have this tradition of letting their seniors leave "wills" as part of their write up. I've always envied that, since all BIS yearbooks have are our pictures and names on them. That's it. :p anyway, i've always wanted to write one and i don't know how i completely forgot to do so in my yearbook for college. Galing ni Neil for remembering and doing that. ANYWAY... if i were to do same thing, it would've come out like this: I, Kaye, do hereby bequeath the following... Yan - the ledge, a Starex van, Mcdo at St. Francis Square, UST, a cellphone, cyclops and jean grey, a chilly january night, all the movie theaters in ortigas and makati, lots of laughter, some tears and five years of my life. Partner-in-crime, you put up with me and love me anyway. i know i make things difficult all the time but you still have patience. Thank you; Jona, Mai, Bev, Trina and Myls - the cas garden, countless codenames, antipolo, the fountain, ledge, megamall, a game...

Sometimes I just want to scream out loud... a real, full-on, right from the belly, scream. the kind you let out when someone's just scared the fuck out of you or you're in one hell of a ride in an amusement park. the kind of scream that lets you feel light right after only because everything you've bottled up inside has just been let out in one unintelligble sound. Space Shuttle, anyone? :p

Valentine's Day is meant to be a day of love and all that. But a bunch of people decided to show their "love" in a different way - by blowing up a bunch of places, simultaneously. People got killed, people got hurt. So much shit happening right now, what is up? Everyone is fighting for something - i just don't understand those that decide to include innocent people in their fight. It isn't fair to them and their loved ones. Somehow i feel like they've been horribly robbed of their lives. haaay.. -==- question of the day: why is it that whenever people see me and my boyfriend together, the first thing they say is "Kayo pa din?!" somehow i never quite know how to answer that question. "...uh, yeah?!" "... uh, why not?!" "... ooookkaaayy" it's amusing though. but we've been getting that a lot lately. goodness.

Valentine's Day It's that day when guys are expected to be mushy. It's the day girls expect some mush. Chaos all around, really. Expect it to be traffic later on, long lines at restaurants and shit. While sometimes i tend to think that V-day is some big cliche, I still like it. I might as well admit it. I do like Valentine's day. I like the mush. I like getting gifts. I like being showered with attention. I can't help it, I'm a girl. that's just how it goes. :) bwehehe. Hope it's an interesting day. :) -==- I saw Alfie yesterday... and kris, bagay kay bf mo yung movie. hehe. :) Two quotes that I picked up from the movie that I really liked: 1. Find someone you love and live everyday as if it were your last. -- two things that, according to the old man in the movie, were life's greatest lessons. I especially like "living everyday as if it were your last". So many bad things have happened so suddenly in the past year that you can't help b...

What does God have to say to me today? I picked up that little piece of rolled paper from the Greenbelt chapel earlier as I was told and this is what i got: "If you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." Mt 6:14 forgiveness is not the emotional response to being hurt. To forgive means to cancel a debt. your choice. huh. well there you go. man, He really is trying to tell me something.

sometimes, when something has gone on for so long, you just wait for it to reach its decisive conclusion. something finally did today and all i can feel is relief because i can finally stop thinking about it... except only to make sure that i honor agreements so i don't hear anything anymore. to say that i got a headache would be an understatement. i hated being given a choice that shouldn't have to be made. but it's done. done deal. over. and i at least got some say in this, instead of being just told. i'm happy. he's happy. everyone's happy. let's all go and get over this now. haaay...

i wanna get off the emotional rollercoaster one minute, i'm smiling. the next, i feel like crying. and then, i think it's almost ok and i smile again... only to get home to find out that it's not. work wasn't stressful today, but the emotional rollercoaster was. i don't know what i'm going to do anymore.

i thought things were ok. i don't know what to do anymore. any way you look at it, i'm the one who's wrong. i'm the one who can't adjust. i'm the stubborn, selfish one. i don't even have an excuse. i don't even want to compromise. i'm getting hurt na. what will i do pa ba??

Taking a look back... The nice thing about having a blog for someone as talkative as me, is that i can take a look back at what was happening to me at any given time of the year and read about it fully. I was re-reading some posts out of boredom and i came across a post that was dated roughly around the same time last year. So what was happening? I was stressed out of my mind because of the non-stop work that the citi that never sleeps seems to specialize in. I was also losing sleep because of a choice that was presented to me by that same citi. A few weeks after this would see me making a decision, signing a piece of paper and somehow looking forward to more stress a few months down the line. However, as most will know, I withdrew my decision and ended up somewhere else. Where am i now? I'm in this place, where all i see are rays of sunshine, no matter how cloudy the skies get. I'm loving my life right now, which is a complete turnaround from where i was ...

It's amazing what a relaxing weekend can do to you. I finally got the weekend i've been asking for - which is that i'll be allowed to sleep half the day away before i could even think about moving. This morning i woke up with a zest for life, for the first time in a long, long time. Instead of grumpily getting out of bed to face a new day, i calmly woke myself up and got up. Now i have a smile on face that won't quit and just a general outlook that today, nothing can ruin my day. i hope it lasts. i haven't been this jolly in a while. it makes me feel so light, so lucky to be here, so lucky to be alive. I hope everyone else has a great day. :)

why did God make tears? forwarded emails say that God made tears so that women can have a way to express her joy, sorrow, pain, disappointment, love, loneliness, grief and pride. since He gave her so many things to handle and cope, her tears are her release. tears are a complicated thing. sometimes they come unexpectedly, when you least want them. they flow too freely, even when you try to hold them in. the harder you try to hold them, the stronger and faster they come. they blur your vision, block your nose and make you gasp for breath until you feel like you can never breathe again. they make your eyes swollen, your face red and your body shake. no matter how much you try not to show exactly what you feel, tears come to betray you each and every single time. no fail. but somehow, no matter how tiring crying can be, you have to be thankful that you were given tears. imagine keeping it all inside, even if you want to. if it weren't for tears, women would all sponteneou...

i was calling up some people this morning - working on something that i'd like to do... and how uncanny is it, that i get a text from an unfamiliar number (who actually turns out to be one of my friends from the office), asking me if i'd like to do the exact same thing i was asking about. huh. if that was a sign (see last post, hehe), then i've just been run over by it. ok, ok, i get the point, i'll be off my ass on saturday mornings and do something productive. yay! something new to do. should be fun. but i really wanna do this other thing din, but i can't find a school for it yet. wish me luck! :D -==- more uncanniness (just a few bit more and we'd qualify for x-men! bwehehe... corny) :P there are things that happen in your life that you think are isolated events made to keep you on your toes. and yet, you realize that some of you are going through almost the exact same thing, at the same time. so, all of you are on your toes. you don'...

Do you believe in signs? Sometimes, when things start to get a little too confusing or if everything becomes unsure, people ask for "signs". When a particular sign comes up, you are meant to have a lightbulb moment in which everything becomes clear and a path appears in front of you. Earlier this morning, my friends here at the office were talking bout the various signs they have been given that are pointing the way to a decision. It makes me think, that everything is really up to your interpretation of whatever "signs" that are presented to you... unless you ask for a specific one. I know people who have had asked specific signs and have gotten them. there are some like me who just ask for something and get it and it's up to us to have "lightbulb" moments on our own. sometimes i think, when you ask for one, does that mean you consciously look out for it? because then that would defeat the purpose of a "sign", don't you think...