lost

i know i've been sort of quiet lately - i know my blog hasn't really said much, all very basic stuff of what's been happening.

first off, i don't have that much free time at work. if i'm not here, i'm in rockwell. and sometimes, i just don't feel like writing at all.

second, i can't fix up my pc and/or laptop at home because the plug reserved for the computers is fucked up. if i really want to go online, i have to move everything... or get a really really long extension cord and i just can't be fucking bothered.

still tho, i feel different inside in ways i can't explain. i feel... old. or older. depending on how you look at it. and i don't quite exactly know why and what is triggering that. do you feel it too?

i see my life moving in a certain direction and i like where it's going. i see life fast forwarding and i know that one day, i'll be living the scenario i see in my head. and it's scary how it's so certain and how i can't explain exactly why it is so, but it is.

old. older. growing up.

good Lord. fast forward na, i can't wait for the rest of my life.

-==-

i always, always make mistakes only because i sometimes push to doing things my way even though i know i shouldn't. i guess i take comfort in knowing that it'll never backfire on me.

well, it finally did. and know i'm sort of... lost. i really am ok though, because i know i'm wrong and there's nothing i can do but wait for their anger to subside. i think i just made them realize how old i really am and i didn't do it in such a pretty way.

what i hate most is how it has affected another person... in fact, i'm thisclose to letting go all of my secrets if only to prove that what happened didn't just happen now. except, i know i shouldn't.. not if i don't want them to be mad at me forever.

i hate what has happened because what i have now is so important to me, and i just want them to be ok with it. i need them to be ok with it so badly because it has turned into my life. i need them to be ok with it because this is it, nothing will change anymore.

and i fucking ruined it. it is my fault. my consequence that i know have to go through crap again with them.

i wish i could turn back time but i can't. i know this has happened for a purpose.. maybe it's a signal to stop all the hiding? maybe it's a signal to show my true self? i guess maybe it's also a signal to stop acting like a child in front of them so they realise that i'm not. or maybe, maybe God says that we need a few more trials to polish us into gems, to draw us closer and make us stronger than we are now. i thought we were done with trials when the months went by, but apparently, we need one more.

please let this be the last. and please let things turn out ok in the end.

but as of now, i'm keeping my silence and i will wait.