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Thinking on a quiet Sunday night
 
At home, I have a mother who’s currently been ragging me on practically about everything I do
 
I leave home and run straight to…
 
A boyfriend who’s got all these rules and don’ts and restrictions
 
I don’t understand it. I’m trapped from both sides.
 
I know they mean well. I love them for it. And I love all the times when I don't get pagalitan.
 
But sometimes… 
 
I really wonder why they try to change things about me by restricting me the stuff I’ve always done.
 
Is it always wrong? Am I always bad? Is it not acceptable? It may be a little thing about me, but must it be denied?
 
If it’s a part of me that’s always been there, does that mean that…
 
I can’t be fully me?
 
Why? 
 
?
 
-==-
 
There’s a show on ETC called Starting Over that my sister and I watch almost everyday. We started watching in the States and I guess it carried on over here. It’s interesting, quite OA but interesting nonetheless. It’s basically about a  bunch of women who have all these issues that they try to confront with the “Life Coaches” on the show through various activities and homework and interaction with the other women in the house. All in hope that they’ll be able to achieve the changes they want, graduate and be given the license to really start their lives over.
 
There’s a part in this show where they give a “Feelings” sheet to a person so they can encircle ALL the feelings they’re having so they can make sense of it.
 
 I want one.
 
Only so I can make sense of the jumbled feelings and thoughts that I have whenever I’m by myself. There’s so much angst in me it’s crazy. I don’t know where it’s coming from, I don’t know what’s causing it. I just know that it’s there.
 
The show keeps harping on confronting your feelings, facing them head on and addressing them.
 
Fucker, I can’t do that.
 
I’m tired of keeping things to myself and finding out that I don’t have the courage to even complain outright.
 
I’m tired of feeling like I can’t feel bad about something or someone because of I feel guilty for doing so.
 
It’s tiring man. But when I think of all the arguments and discussions I avoid by doing so, I feel a lil better.
 
But still…
 
It’s tiring.

Why is it that although I’m surrounded by so many wonderful people, sometimes I just feel so damn alone?
 
-==-
 
I realized... Sundays can bring you down pretty badly man, no matter how great the day went. There's just something about the day itself that can get you thinking lots and lots of things.
 
That's me right now... always thinking about stuff. Random stuff
 
Random thoughts.
 
Think. Think. Think.
 
even when i don't want to, i can't seem to stop. :p